there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
