Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
