even my farts smell like vagina
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
