At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
