Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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