two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
