Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
