Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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