I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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