The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
