Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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