i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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