I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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