if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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