I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Randomize
