i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
