So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
