All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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