its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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