i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
