i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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