Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
