I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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