I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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