I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
