Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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