so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
