im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
