dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
