there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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