508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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