My first STD was from a foam party
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
