Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
