i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
