Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
