"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
