i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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