I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
