we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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