I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
