I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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