We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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