she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
