I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
