I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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