She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
