And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
