I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
