Im at strip club and am horny
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
