wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
