I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
