help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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