Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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