i just had sex bonerless
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
