why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
