I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
