Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
