I CAN MOONWALK!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
