I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
